{ "attachments": [ "9321535fcc30.gif" ], "title": "Operation: Social Anxiety Edition", "tags": [ "anxiety", "social", "mental", "health" ], "thumbnail": "/2017/02/02/operation-anxiety/c03b43fb63aa.jpg", "year": "2017", "month": "02", "day": "02", "isDir": true, "slug": "operation-anxiety", "type": "entry", "date": "2017-02-02T19:00:00.000Z", "postName": "2017-02-02-operation-anxiety", "html": "

TL;DR: Dealing with social anxiety feels like that old game Operation. BZZT!

\n\n\n\n\n

\"operation\"

\n\n\n

One of the things I made a resolution to work on this year is my social\nanxiety. That's a hard thing, as it's got a lot of inertia\nbehind it and I need a lot of self-convincing to change it.

\n

Life's pretty, pretty good

\n

Overall, life's pretty good. I'm productive and successful. I work from home.\nI shop from home. My main hobbies—writing, reading, tinkering, gaming—they're\nall things I usually do at home. I even socialize from home!

\n

Thanks to the internet, I'm an elusive hermit who can go days without changing\nout of pajamas or even walking outside. I could be living on a space station,\nexcept the network latency is better here on the ground.

\n\n\n

The only person I see every day is my lovely wife. By some miracle I've\nyet to fully understand, she's one of the few people in the world who does not\nfill me with terror. At least, not unless I've done something that warrants\nit.

\n

Being with her is almost like being alone, but she helps keep me from\ngoing completely feral. She reminds me that other people exist and need to be\nconsidered.

\n

She's also a lot of fun to be around and my life would not be\npossible without her.\n

\n

Relatively functional adult

\n

That said, I do manage to strike out on some expeditions. Grocery shopping,\nthough a challenge, is a thing I've been known to do. We order take-out and I\noften pick it up. Haircuts and doctor visits are harder.

\n

So I guess I'm a relatively functional adult. I've read that it's\nusually only worth addressing a condition if it affects your ability to live\nand achieve goals. I do a lot of that. I'm doing pretty well—so why change it?

\n

But, I often forget that this hermitage is bounded by anxiety, because I've so\nsuccessfully built my adult life within that delimited space. There are\ntimes when I would like to interact with live people. That's usually from a\nperspective of great conceptual distance, like when I'm writing in my\njournal.

\n

I think of myself as the kind of person who should participate in events\nlike Penguicon. I imagine I'm the kind of person who should be an active\ncommunity member at a maker space like i3Detroit. You should see me\noften at Detroit-area gaming & tech meetups. I should have many nerdy\nfriends with whom I meet often and have great times.

\n

In reality, I am an elusive hermit of whom sightings are rare. When you\ndo see me, it's likely that I'm pushing down some serious terror. I may act\nawkward & spazzy. I may look shifty and have my eyes on the exits.

\n

On being gelatinous

\n

Here's a thing that happens a lot: Say there's an event I'd like to attend—one\nof the fortnightly i3Detroit member meetings, for example. When the\nday comes, I start getting nervous when I get out of bed. By afternoon, I'm\nfeeling worn down by the day. I start telling myself I should just\nskip it. And this is also how I end up just kind of disappearing from things:\nIf I skip enough times, it starts to feel like that's not a thing I do\nanymore—and going back is awkward.

\n\n\n

If I'm lucky, I can summon up this kind of Super Mario Star Power\nstate where I can be \"on\" and pass for human temporarily—before collapsing\ninto a gelatinous blob once I'm alone again. Huge success! I did the thing and\nit wasn't so bad!

\n

If I'm not so lucky, I manage to do the thing but I'm a wreck about it. Once,\nI had to spend ten minutes with my head down on the steering wheel in a\nparking lot trying to pull myself together before an event. I fought down the\nurge to sob from frustration. I dragged myself in by sheer willpower, but I\nwanted to retreat at each stage: putting on shoes; getting my bag; turning the\nkey in the car; driving to the venue; leaving the car; walking in the door.

\n

This strange year

\n

Addressing this problem has taken on new importance this year: I feel compelled\nto do strange & new things—like make daily phone calls to my\nrepresentatives in government and politely inform them of my preferences.\nEverywhere, I read things like \"in 90 seconds... be done with\nit\" or \"spend 5 minutes, make 5\ncalls\" and I laugh & laugh. It turns a bit maniacal,\nthis laughing.

\n

It takes me hours to make calls: That includes build up &\nprocrastination beforehand, as well as the subsequent release of nervous\nenergy afterward. Or, of course, there's the extended self-flagellation if I\ndon't manage to dial the phone. Doesn't matter that I'm not leaving the\nhouse—phone calls are just as bad as anything else!

\n

It takes a steady hand!

\n

It feels like that old battery-powered game Operation. It goes like\nso: You have metal tweezers. You need to extract plastic bones from\nmetal-rimmed recesses in the game board. If your tweezers contact the sides, a\nharsh buzzer blares and you lose.

\n
\n\n\n\n

Extracting a positive outcome from my head is like that: If I can thread\nmyself through the anxious thoughts and not touch any of them, I win. I can do\nthe thing easily. But, if I touch any of those thoughts with attention, they\nall pile in on me and I lose. I still might be able to do the thing, but only\nwith an exhausting effort of will. And then, there's little energy left to use\nduring the event itself.

\n

This forms a cycle: The next time I consider doing a thing, I remember the\ngamble. Can I turn on the Star Man Power? Or will this be an uphill climb with\na parking log sobbing session at the peak? It's not always predicable. The\nsame regular event can summon up either outcome. I've given talks before large\ngroups and felt good before & after. I've gone to a friend's house for a\nsmall party and felt like sprinting away.

\n

The problem with this problem

\n

And here's the meta-problem: Knowing all of the above doesn't seem to help. So\nsilly at a rational distance, yet it always catches me by surprise in the\nmoment of truth. Still, I often wonder—is this real? Am I being melodramatic?\nIs this just some kind of habitual affectation in which I've decided to\nwallow? Can't I just suck it up and power through like everyone else\napparently does? Should I even be writing this precious little blog post?

\n

Why am I writing this blog post, anyway? My inner critics accuse me of seeking\nattention, but that doesn't quite seem like me. If anything, I want these\nthoughts out of my head for the sake of catharsis. I wouldn't mind connecting\nwith other folks who are going through this too. Additionally, I suppose it\ncould serve as an explanation to folks who might be confused by why I'm such\nan elusive hermit.

\n

So, uh, what now?

\n

I don't really know what to do from here. I turned 41 last year and I've\nbeen dealing with this issue for most of those decades. I'm under no delusion\nthat I'll find some magic self-help cheat code to turn it around.

\n

I guess I'm just going to keep plugging away at it, trying to alter my habits\nand trying to do the things. Maybe having written this and admitting the\nproblem will help? Maybe this makes my efforts this year more real?

\n

Who knows? But, feel free to chime in with comments!

\n\n\n\n", "body": "**TL;DR**: Dealing with social anxiety feels like that old game Operation. BZZT!\n\n\n\n\"operation\"\n\n\n\nOne of the things I made a resolution to work on this year is my social\nanxiety. That's a hard thing, as it's got a lot of inertia\nbehind it and I need a lot of self-convincing to change it.\n\n## Life's pretty, pretty good\n\nOverall, life's pretty good. I'm productive and successful. I work from home.\nI shop from home. My main hobbies—writing, reading, tinkering, gaming—they're\nall things I usually do at home. I even socialize from home! \n\nThanks to the internet, I'm an elusive hermit who can go days without changing\nout of pajamas or even walking outside. I could be living on a space station,\nexcept the network latency is better here on the ground.\n\n\n\nThe only person I see every day is my lovely wife. By some miracle I've\nyet to fully understand, she's one of the few people in the world who does not\nfill me with terror. At least, not unless I've done something that warrants\nit.\n\nBeing with her is almost like being alone, but she helps keep me from\ngoing completely feral. She reminds me that other people exist and need to be\nconsidered.\n\nShe's also a lot of fun to be around and my life would not be\npossible without her.\n
\n\n## Relatively functional adult\n\nThat said, I do manage to strike out on *some* expeditions. Grocery shopping,\nthough a challenge, is a thing I've been known to do. We order take-out and I\noften pick it up. Haircuts and doctor visits are harder.\n\nSo I guess I'm a relatively functional adult. I've read that it's\nusually only worth addressing a condition if it affects your ability to live\nand achieve goals. I do a lot of that. I'm doing pretty well—so why change it?\n\nBut, I often forget that this hermitage is bounded by anxiety, because I've so\nsuccessfully built my adult life within that delimited space. There *are*\ntimes when I would like to interact with live people. That's usually from a\nperspective of great conceptual distance, like when I'm [writing in my\njournal][]. \n\nI think of myself as the kind of person who *should* participate in events\nlike [Penguicon][]. I imagine I'm the kind of person who *should* be an active\ncommunity member at a maker space like [i3Detroit][]. You *should* see me\noften at Detroit-area gaming & tech meetups. I *should* have many nerdy\nfriends with whom I meet often and have great times.\n\nIn reality, I am an elusive hermit of whom sightings are rare. When you\n*do* see me, it's likely that I'm pushing down some serious terror. I may act\nawkward & spazzy. I may look shifty and have my eyes on the exits.\n\n## On being gelatinous\n\nHere's a thing that happens a lot: Say there's an event I'd like to attend—one\nof the fortnightly [i3Detroit][] [member meetings][], for example. When the\nday comes, I start getting nervous when I get out of bed. By afternoon, I'm\nfeeling worn down by the day. I start telling myself I should just\nskip it. And this is also how I end up just kind of disappearing from things:\nIf I skip enough times, it starts to feel like that's not a thing I do\nanymore—and going back is awkward.\n\n[member meetings]: https://www.i3detroit.org/wiki/Main_Page\n\n\n\nIf I'm lucky, I can summon up this kind of Super Mario Star Power\nstate where I can be \"**on**\" and pass for human temporarily—before collapsing\ninto a gelatinous blob once I'm alone again. Huge success! I did the thing and\nit wasn't so bad!\n\nIf I'm not so lucky, I manage to do the thing but I'm a wreck about it. Once,\nI had to spend ten minutes with my head down on the steering wheel in a\nparking lot trying to pull myself together before an event. I fought down the\nurge to sob from frustration. I dragged myself in by sheer willpower, but I\nwanted to retreat at each stage: putting on shoes; getting my bag; turning the\nkey in the car; driving to the venue; leaving the car; walking in the door.\n\n## This strange year\n\nAddressing this problem has taken on new importance this year: I feel compelled\nto do strange & new things—like make daily phone calls to my\nrepresentatives in government and politely inform them of my preferences.\nEverywhere, I read things like \"[in 90 seconds... be done with\nit](https://dailyaction.org/)\" or \"[spend 5 minutes, make 5\ncalls](https://5calls.org/)\" and I laugh & laugh. It turns a bit maniacal,\nthis laughing.\n\nIt takes me **hours** to make calls: That includes build up &\nprocrastination beforehand, as well as the subsequent release of nervous\nenergy afterward. Or, of course, there's the extended self-flagellation if I\ndon't manage to dial the phone. Doesn't matter that I'm not leaving the\nhouse—phone calls are just as bad as anything else!\n\n## It takes a steady hand!\n\nIt feels like that old battery-powered game Operation. It goes like\nso: You have metal tweezers. You need to extract plastic bones from\nmetal-rimmed recesses in the game board. If your tweezers contact the sides, a\nharsh buzzer blares and you lose.\n\n
\n\nExtracting a positive outcome from my head is like that: If I can thread\nmyself through the anxious thoughts and not touch any of them, I win. I can do\nthe thing easily. But, if I touch any of those thoughts with attention, they\nall pile in on me and I lose. I still might be able to do the thing, but only\nwith an exhausting effort of will. And then, there's little energy left to use\nduring the event itself.\n\nThis forms a cycle: The next time I consider doing a thing, I remember the\ngamble. Can I turn on the Star Man Power? Or will this be an uphill climb with\na parking log sobbing session at the peak? It's not always predicable. The\nsame regular event can summon up either outcome. I've given talks before large\ngroups and felt good before & after. I've gone to a friend's house for a\nsmall party and felt like sprinting away.\n\n## The problem with this problem\n\nAnd here's the meta-problem: Knowing all of the above doesn't seem to help. So\nsilly at a rational distance, yet it always catches me by surprise in the\nmoment of truth. Still, I often wonder—is this real? Am I being melodramatic?\nIs this just some kind of habitual affectation in which I've decided to\nwallow? Can't I just suck it up and power through like everyone else\napparently does? Should I even be writing this precious little blog post?\n\nWhy *am* I writing this blog post, anyway? My inner critics accuse me of seeking\nattention, but that doesn't quite seem like me. If anything, I want these\nthoughts out of my head for the sake of catharsis. I wouldn't mind connecting\nwith other folks who are going through this too. Additionally, I suppose it\ncould serve as an explanation to folks who might be confused by why I'm such\nan elusive hermit. \n\n## So, uh, what now?\n\nI don't really know what to do from here. I turned 41 last year and I've\nbeen dealing with this issue for most of those decades. I'm under no delusion\nthat I'll find some magic self-help cheat code to turn it around. \n\nI guess I'm just going to keep plugging away at it, trying to alter my habits\nand trying to do the things. Maybe having written this and admitting the\nproblem will help? Maybe this makes my efforts this year more real?\n\nWho knows? But, feel free to chime in with comments!\n\n[i3Detroit]: https://www.i3detroit.org/\n[Penguicon]: https://2017.penguicon.org/\n[writing in my journal]: https://blog.lmorchard.com/2017/01/31/pages-and-pens/\n\n\n\n\n", "parentPath": "./content/posts/archives/2017/2017-02-02-operation-anxiety", "path": "2017/02/02/operation-anxiety", "summary": "TL;DR: Dealing with social anxiety feels like that old game Operation. BZZT!", "needsBuild": true, "prevPostPath": "2017/01/31/pages-and-pens", "prevPostTitle": "Pages and Pens", "nextPostPath": "2017/06/01/backyard-pond", "nextPostTitle": "Backyard Pond" }